22 March 2009

Star Wars- as retold by a girl

Ok, so I am talking to a friend the other day, and he cannot fathom that I do not clearly remember what happened in the Star Wars movies and that they didn't change my life. Perhaps part of this is hurt feelings, because the truth is, I have seen the original trilogy twice in my life (and never the new ones): once when they were out in theatres and I was a kid (I fell asleep), and the second time in college when I humored said friend and watched all three back to back with him (I fell asleep). So he asks me to name five main characters, which I thought I did pretty well, but failed because my main characters were apparently not main enough or something. I remembered R2D2 and C3PO because I had Star Wars underroos when I was a kid, and was proud of myself for remembering those two. He then asks me to tell him what actually happened in the movies, because apparently at this point, I am failing the science fiction quiz miserably (I'm a girl, hello?), to which, again, I think I did pretty good for not seeing them in over 10 years.

So here is the deal. Below is my version of what happened. Girls, read it, and leave me comments adding in what I missed and fixing what I got wrong. I figure between all of us, we can piece together the important parts. Then I am going to take those comments and put together a sort of Girl Cliff Notes to Star Wars. Sure I could ask a guy to do it, but we all know how that would go. 5 minutes into the description, he will sigh and say, "Just watch the movie...".

So it starts out with the scrolly words that go back into space giving this big back history or something. I think it tells us that the universe is in trouble and someone needs to do something, already. Then we see this dusty, deserty planet where Luke Skywalker? lives, and he is looking for something to do. Then someone comes and tells him, "hey, you've been chosen to save the universe," so he goes away on a spaceship. Oh, and the spaceship has these fun little robot dudes on them, I'm not sure what they actually do, R2D2 and C3PO. R2D2 is a little round robot that doesn't talk he beeps, and C3Po is like a gold tin man type robot that talks too much and understands R2. There is also this BigFoot kinda dude there that makes this crazy yell-growl sound, and never talks named Chewy? Yeah, I think thats his name.

Then somewhere along the lines Luke meets Princess Lea, although I don't really know what she is the Princess of, and he likes her. Then he decides, or maybe someone tells him, cause I think there is this old dude giving Luke advice over this hologram thingie, he needs to hire help. So Luke goes to this really happenin' alien bar to hire help for his mission. There he meets Hans Solo, this guy that is better looking, stronger, and more skilled than he is, except he doesn't have the force like Luke. But noone knows that yet, I think. So Hans Solo comes with him, and then because he is the good looking one now, he ends up smooth talking and kissing Lea until they are interrupted by that bumbling chatterbox of a robot, C3PO. Then, they all meet Darth Vadar, the bad guy in the black suit that breathes a lot (maybe he could breathe better without the mask?).

Anyway, Darth Vadar ends up kidnapping Lea, and then Luke and Hans have to save her. Somewhere in there, they all go to this foresty planet with all the cute little Ewok dudes too. Darth Vadars friends, the storm troopers, fly in the forest with all these smaller spaceships and the good guys and bad guys blast away at each other. I don't really know what happened to the Ewoks, but I'm guessing a lot died, because they're so little.

Anyway, so at some point, Luke finds out that Darth Vadar is his father. Maybe from this little green dude with big ears, Yoda, that lives in a cave. He is apparently, like, the smartest dude in the universe or something, like a sage. I think that's when Luke learns he has the force, although I don't really know what that means. So then that old dude that has been giving Luke advice teaches Luke how to use a LightSaber sword, because apparently that's way harder than it looks, and Luke is able to kill Darth Vadar and save Lea. Even though Darth Vadar plays the "you wouldn't kill your father, would you?" card, Luke kills him anyway, cause his dad's a dirtbag. Then I think since Darth Vadar is dead, its kinda like killing the head vampire, because all the Storm Troopers all just kinda stop fighting then. Or maybe it was just that he was a real bad boss and they're glad he's dead. Either way, the good guys won.


3 Magpies said...

Yeah, and the princess doesn't wear a crown or cute dress and it is all so disturbing since if I were the princess I'd be looking like one... complete with the tiara and beautiful dress and somebody would, hopefully, tell me that my hair needs to come out of those little honeybun looking things and... If I were the PRINCESS...

MiyaSohoza said...

I wont be much help, I guess I'm with the boys. Star Wars was and is a monumental part of my science fiction addiction.

Not sure its a gender thing really. Just a perspective thing. I'm an absurdly gigantic fan of science fiction, horror and the like.

Tell your friend he has at least one woman who has his back (and who knows that the new movies are a mockery and sad sham!)

DrOrpheus said...

"Hans" Solo - Played by... David Hasslehoff?

Yes, you're gonna get inundated w/ the Star Wars mythos next time I see you... Don't worry it'll be fun, I'll even give you a lesson or two in handling a "LightSabre Sword".

You know, if this eventual Dummy Guide makes some money, all the crap I take from you for loving Star Wars as I do might actually almost be worth it... almost. :)

Miya, thanks for proving SW isn't just a guy-centric story. EVERYONE should appreciate that at least its the best modern-day mythology, and who doesn't like mythologies? I mean seriously.

MiyaSohoza said...

Ok, I have to admit I didn't read the entire post but did you really think Han Solo was played by David Hasslehoff!?!?!?! Seriously!?
Am in shock! Bay Watch? Cheeseburger? Really?

Hmmm, I guess I forgive you. ;-p

And Mr., Dr. Orpheus, you are a gentleman and a scholar in my book. Especially because of Star Wars, but ESPECIALLY because of the Venture Brothers. Ah god I love that show.

Corinne Sullivan said...

No, *I* didn't think Hasslehoff played Han Solo. But apparently Dr. Orpheus wants to make me look more sci-fi retarded than I already am...

DrOrpheus said...

No silly the joke was you wrote "Hans Solo". Hans, being a German name, immediately made me think of the Hoff, so I cracked the joke.

Boy... when you gotta explain a joke, I swear. ;p

DrOrpheus said...

Point being I didn't think you were *that* retarded about Star Wars :)

Besiedes, the Hoff drove a talking Pontiac and was too tall for interstellar space travel.*

*This statement supported by the fine research work at Conjectural Technologies (tm).
Conjectural Technologies - where we'll tell you we know the solutions to all of life's little problems.