12 August 2009

Things Women Wish Men Knew

So I just finished reading this list on Men's Health entitled 50 Things Women Wish Men Knew. Either the author, Lisa Jones, is an insecure idiot, or she is trying to make women look that way. Of course, there are a few that apply:
  • I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
  • "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
  • I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
  • I expect you to call me.
  • Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
  • I'm scared of losing my independence.
  • A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.
  • You're sexy when you're: shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
  • I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.
  • Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.
  • Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
  • It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read . . .
  • For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
As for the ones like:

  • I love it when you're sweaty. (I don't, unless I made you that way.)
  • You should know all this and more without my telling you. (I don't expect you to read my mind, because then you will expect me to read yours. And I won't)
  • I remember everything about our relationship. (I don't, and if you don't, then I'm off the hook)
  • If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking . . . (Oh, get a grip Lisa. We all have those days. Read a book. Drink a glass a wine in a bubble bath. Go out with the girls.)
  • Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times. (Most times, yes. But sometimes, knowing where the other one comes from or gets their crazy insecurity can actually be, oh, I don't know, healthy?)
  • You should never tell me what to do. (Sometimes I want to be told. Sometimes. Also, does it make sense that this would be on the same list as: "I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.")
  • I want to be Madonna. (Really? What part of Madonna's life seems so great? The rich celebrity part? There are many other celebrities I would pick before her...)
  • If I slept over, you owe me breakfast. (Not when one of us has to dash out early to go to work, which is most times.)
  • You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (Sigh. Girls, please, don't say you're cool with it if you're not. If I'm mad, you'll know. Not all of us play these retarded word games.)
  • Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.
    (They aren't. A humble apology, accompanied by small gestures like flowers or dinner made by you, means so much more. I'm not a whore and can't be bought.)
  • When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing. (Wrong! We are fishing for compliments, like "I think you're hot," or at least a "Baby, I love kangaroos."
  • Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count. (It totally counts, provided you say it other times too. So say it other times, too.)
  • I will leave if you lie. (We won't. We should, but we probably won't. So be a decent human being and be honest for its own sake.)
So there you have it, guys. If you want to know, talk to us, and we will probably tell you. Right between chocolate and sex.

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